Totem Animal

This is my totem animal.  Not everyone recognizes their animal but everyone has one.

Expectations?

People are really cool but they confuse me so much. So I’m at a bar eating lunch and the waitress and I are making eyes at each other. Hey, she was cute! I’m not here for long and definitely not wanting a relationship right now. I’m comfortable to leave it at flirting. Flirting is fun. I pay my bill and get ready to leave. As I’m standing up she comes over to me and says, “You should come back and see me. I’m Katie. I work every day but Wednesday.” I don’t tip bad, but I don’t tip THAT well. I figure, cool. I’ll come back in a couple of days and flirt some more. Did I mention flirting is fun?

So two days later I come back in to eat dinner. Sure enough, there she is. I smile at her as I come in and I’m seated by someone else. She’s serving tables on the other side of the room but occasionally she looks over at me. She smiles a weak kind of forced smile and looks away then ignores me for the rest of my meal.

I guess I misunderstood. It happens. I smile and wave at her as I leave. The food was just ok so I doubt I’ll be back. I can be clueless at times but huh?

So last night I’m at a Chillis eating dinner again. I get seated at the bar as I’m alone. I have a book, so I’m good. The place starts to get a little crowded as I wait for my food and I end up shifting over a few seats to make room for people that are together. The bartender is kind of cute so I flirt just a bit. I was reading a good book so I wasn’t really into it. I’m ignoring the football games that are going on as I’m really not into watching it on TV. There is a woman and man sitting next to me that I made room for. The man has had quite a bit to drink and wants to talk to me with random bar chatter. My time is already split between a good book, a cute waitress and my food has just arrived. I just don’t have time for idle chat. The woman he is with, that is sitting next to me, is also fairly cute. We just exchange pleasantries and she explains that she is only in town for a day or two. She also explains that she is from a party school nearby. Um hum… book… waitress… food…

So I finish my food and get ready to leave. The place is pretty full. The woman asks the waitress for a pen because she needs to “text someone a number she has in her phone.” As I’m waiting for my check, she asks to see my book. I tell her it’s not really a book most people would know and not really for “polite” company. She reads the back and gets an eyeful. The reviews on the back of Vonneguts, Breakfast of Champions are um… interesting. As she hands the book back she smiles and tucks a paper into the cover. As she was doing it I had half thought that it was one of my many bookmarks. When I got out to the car my curiosity made me look again. Yup, there is was her name and number. Again, I can be clueless but huh?

A guest sees more in an hour than a host in a year

I’ve come to a greater realization of who I am. Don’t misunderstand; I’m far from truly understanding the full depth and breadth of my self.

I recently went to a class that’s primary purpose was to teach you how to be a leader when under substantial stress. While it was interesting to see how the others acted. (We had never met each other before.) It was more interesting to see how they reacted to me. Watch other people, it can teach you a lot about yourself.

For several years I have been trying to get an accurate picture of how other see me. It’s not an easy task. My close friends, the one group that will always tell me “how it is” no matter what, are unable to do so because they know all of the reasons behind my actions. Their view of me can’t really be accurate because they compensate. Don’t get me wrong on this, I like it that they compensate. Now, more than ever I realize that I can be difficult to be around.

So there I am… Everyone is doing peer evaluations on the other members of their team. For every person that is afraid to say what they really think, there is someone that just wants to be mean. On average there is always a trend if you are willing to see it or not. Then from a series of decisions and recommendations that I made, I am put into a fairly high position of authority. I and two others got assigned the senior instructor as our advisor. The one on one time with him was amazing. He advised me to focus on presentation and perception when I communicate.

I told Tina about the things I was learning and she broke down why she likes each of the men in her life. One is her jester. He makes her laugh and melts her heart with poetry and song. One is her knight. He is her rock that will stand against anything to ensure she is safe and happy. Me? Well, I fill the role of the king. I look at her and she knows she is capable of anything. I see the greatness in others and drive them towards it.

At first I was annoyed, for about 15 minutes. I didn’t want to be the pain in the butt that makes her do things. I wanted to be the jester, the one that makes her smile and spins fire. That isn’t me though. No matter how much time I had, I would never learn to do that because it’s not what I want.

I like people. When I look at people I see all of their potential. I see their hopes and dreams all being realized. I see them as they see themselves in a perfect world. I enjoy seeing them succeed at what they SAY they want to do. I phrase it that way because even though people may claim to want something, when pushed towards it, they may fight the whole way. Sometimes people claim to want something only because it’s politically correct or they think others will like them more for it.

So back to the beginning. Who am I? I still don’t know for sure, but one more piece is this. I am a catalyst. I help people that want to accomplish their goals.

Now, what problems have I uncovered in this realization? There are a few.

I have little respect for people that claim to want something yet never make ANY effort to move forward. I am deeply understanding of when the road is rough as long as some effort is made to push over the next bump. The happiest people I have ever met lived in a grass and mud hut in the middle of nowhere. Do NOT complain to me about not being able to go to school because 400 channels of TV and a new SUV are more important. I will not have sympathy and I will tell you as much.

On a similar note, I come across as having a high and mighty attitude. I think anything can be accomplished and when others see that and they haven’t accomplished what they say the want, they get offended. I don’t mean to offend. I think anyone can accomplish pretty much whatever they choose. Unfortunately my confidence comes across as, “Of course that’s easy.” What I’m meaning is that it is possible for them, not that I could do it better. I find it strange that my faith in THEM is construed as belittling. I think it has to do with my presentation and I think it has to do with how they attribute their lack of progress.

When something goes wrong in the world we have to assign blame. It’s a basic psychological defensive mechanism. The world could be different than what we imagined. For that we adapt our world view. The situation could have been extreme. For that we work through the situation. It could be someone elses fault. For that we seek justice. It could also be because of our own failures. That is the most complex. Sometimes people accept responsibility for things that are not their fault. That can cause low self esteem and PTSD. Victims of rape and domestic abuse are notorious for this. Sometimes problems are really the individuals fault. Recognizing and correcting the problem is the healthiest way to deal with it. However, when it is the individuals’ responsibility, and it is pointed out, and they don’t want or refuse to accept responsibility, they often kill the messenger rather than fix the problem.

I need to work on my presentation and how I perceive what others are communicating. Sometimes people really don’t want to be helped because they really don’t want to do what they claim to want. That needs to be the first thing I determine. If they don’t want to do what they claim to want, 1 – I don’t want to be around them, and 2 – I NEED TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. It accomplishes nothing to pull the curtain back and unveil Oz. They are content in their illusion. Many great leaders have had their message ignored or belittled because of the way they presented it. I was blind to think I could be any different. I need to work on not just what I say but HOW I say it. No matter how true the message, if I anger someone, the message is wasted.

Well, as long as it’s just skis

So there I was at the airport trying to understand how the computer can code my ticket as being approved and paid but unable to issue… The woman behind me starts to check in while I call my travel agency after they made the same mistake twice in less than a week.

The Delta agent tells her that she can’t check her bag because the dimensions are outside of their approved length. While the agent explains that she will have to ship the bag as freight, the woman counters that she has flown multiple times with the same bag. After a couple of minutes of arguing, the woman tells the agent that she is not just visiting Beijing for personal enjoyment but, that the funny looking long bag contains her pole vault so she can compete in the Olympics. I thought at that point the argument would be over. Unfazed the agent reiterates that the bag must be shipped freight and should arrive in a few weeks. (after the competition) Sarcastically, I suggest that she ship it as a really long pair of skis. To our surprise the agent says she can do that and the bag goes through with a simple oversized bag fee.

I understand letter of the law. I understand spirit of the law. Usually I like watching people come up with reasons for their actions. Other times I wonder how humanity mastered tools beyond the rock.

I want teleportation

How they are looking at it now isn’t really practical though. It’s really more of a destructive copy. The original would have to be destroyed just to find all of the states of the particles (Heisenberg uncertainty principle). Then the states of the particles, not the particles, would have to be digitized and processed as a unit (wow computing power). You would also need to have prepositioned entangled particles at both sides to use as a transport mechanism (Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen entanglement) so you can’t just jump anywhere; you have to ship a box full of the same number of particles to point B before you can jump. Then you reverse the whole thing on the other side. Not really practical.

What they need to look at is the way that particles interact when they become entangled. How do they communicate their states? When one changes why does the other change? If you can understand how and why the particles communicate AFTER they become entangled, maybe we can recreate it. At that point you would still have the problems of destruction and digitization but you wouldn’t have to preposition particles. You could just tell block of matter at point B to look like block of matter at point A. The problem with focusing on the creation of the entanglement is that the particles must be created in the same physical location. Where is the teleportation fun in that?

While it would take crazy amounts of energy to do, you could also create the block of matter at B as far away as you can focus the particles from the energy emitter. That way you could go anywhere the particles could penetrate (space to surface depending on atmospheric characteristics). You would still need to use entanglement at the remote location to normalize the matter that would be available. When you are trying to turn a rock into a person you wouldn’t have to worry about what elements are there if you are working on a particle level. Computers will get there but we need to solve the energy problem somehow.

So why do I want teleportation? Because I keep finding really cool people that are over a thousand miles away and I want a fast way to visit.

You can either be there for the birth or the conception

I once had a boss that said, “You can either be there for the birth or the conception, make your choice.”  It was my anniversary and I made a comment to my wife that she had put up with me for five years.  Without missing a beat she replied that I had only been home for two of them.  I travel a lot sometimes.

So there I was in Afghanistan… 

My daughter was due in a couple of weeks.  I had arranged to get out of the middle of nowhere so I could hitch a ride home for a few weeks and hopefully be there for the birth.  She ended up coming early.  Now my boss says that the birth has happened so I no longer need to go home.  I’m not happy.

My guards are ecstatic for me though.  They plan a huge party, Afgan style.  They kill a goat and a sheep.  The feast was huge.  There was dancing (all men thank you) and singing.  Everyone is happy for me.  You see, in Afghanistan girls are highly valued by their fathers.  They can sell them for about $1000 a piece.  “Commander” Jared is now a rich man.  Not bad when the average wage is $20 a month.  I tried to explain that she would probably cost more than that in the first 20 seconds of life but decided instead to just enjoy the party.

Focus for environmental change

When you have limited resources to accomplish change, use them wisely.

I consider myself an environmentalist but lately “environmentalists” have been pissing me off.  Why do we always focus on the wrong things?  Everyone is so concerned about carbon emissions that they don’t even look at the other problems that are killing us right now.  I think we need to be more concerned with the toxic substances we are throwing out.  Climate change is not unusual but we make it out to be new and human made.  Granted, we are so close to being able to control it now.  However, I would much rather focus on the immediate problems that are killing our kids right now.  We are staring down the road at bridges lifetimes in our future while we stumble over rocks at our feet.

 

Burning coal releases CO2 (greenhouse gas) but it also releases Mercury (poison), NO2 and SO2(acid rain, lung problems).  We are so fixated on carbon emissions and carbon credits that we fail to see the church burning around us as we pay our indulgences.  We can’t even drink water anymore!  The biggest reason not to fish is that most of the time you can’t even eat them because they are so filled with mercury and lead!  I’m tired of hearing about CO2 footprints.  Start looking at why I have to buy the most common substance on the surface of the Earth for $8 per gallon?  Gasoline isn’t expensive, water is.

When Al Gore showed his graph comparing CO2 with temperature levels and said, “It’s complicated”, what he was really saying was it’s actually backwards.  The temperature goes up and THEN a couple of hundred years LATER, the CO2 level goes up!  How can CO2 cause the raise in temp it if come after the temp change?  The answer is the CO2 level raises when the ocean temp increases enough to release some of its trapped CO2.  The ocean is a great CO2 sink but a bit limited when looked at on a global scale.  Trees aren’t the answer either.  Trees suck up CO2 for the first 50ish years of their life.  Most of it in their first 30 years.  After that, they are CO2 neutral until they die.  Then they rot and release it all back!  Canada and Brazil thought they would use their forests to offset their emissions under Kyoto with carbon credits based off trees.  They measured the levels and found the trees were CO2 neutral though. 

Yes, I’m short sited in that I’m not concerned about 100-500 years from now when the average temperature is 3 degrees warmer and people will have at least 50 years notice to move from their Florida beach property to an area not covered by raising sea levels.  Two thousand years ago, Egypt was the breadbasket for the Roman Empire.  It failed because the climate changed. 

Solar activity is more likely the primary cause of climate change.  Google “mini ice age” and see what you get.  http://www2.sunysuffolk.edu/mandias/lia/little_ice_age.html is a good article.  High sunspots and the temperature goes up.  Low sunspots and the temperature goes down.  It’s a cause and effect situation; the basis of something I like to call “science”.

Why we fight?

Someone once asked me if I had PTSD.  Why yes I do.  Have I sought therapy for it?  Nope.  Am I going to?  Nope.  Why?  Well let me tell you a story…

Afghanistan is a bad place.  I consider it a 5^th world country, none of that 3^rd world bull.  Yes, it’s that bad.  

So there I was in Afghanistan.  We were living in the basement of a medieval fortress.  (that’s called a dungeon)  I had been working a lot with a very good man named Gul Kareem.  I taught the local kids how to read maps and they would tell me where the mines were.  I taught Gul Kareem how to use a GPS and a video camera and I would send him out to disarm the mines.  The system worked really well.  He did a lot of good things.  We did a lot of good things.  As a whole, we helped a lot of people.

We ran the only “hospital” in the area.  One of our doctors used to joke about the monkey down in the bazaar being the referring physician for most of the problems we saw.  “Dr. Chimchim says rub shit on it!” was a common saying from him.  Most of the time we saw about 100 people per day.  Our Docs did a damn good job.  I just tried to not screw things up for them.   

I don’t remember how many mass casualty (more than 3 people) events that we had.  It was about every week and a half.  Sometimes I ran the radio calling in help.  Sometimes I talked to the families or the less injured.  I’m a pretty crappy medic.  Sometimes the male forgot to set the emergency brake on the car while he got out for a smoke.  The rest of the family would nose dive off a cliff.  Bad yes, but not my department.  When people would come in with shrapnel or gunshot wounds, it became my job. 

So one night the gate guards started freaking out.  They came running inside franticly screaming.  “His family!  His family!”  What?  Slow down.  Talk to me.  The Docs were all running to the clinic while the trucks came in the gate.  It was bad.  Gul Kareem was a good man.  The bad guys had tried to hurt his family before by planting land mines on the trail to his house.  This was his cousins family. 

At first I thought it was an attack but Gul Kareem showed me the pieces of the explosive.  An old rusted Soviet mortar round.  Buried for years.  The family had moved their cooking stove from one wall to another in the kitchen.  They built the new stove over the buried round.  It took a while for it to heat up enough for it to explode.  Dinner was almost ready.  The mother and the 15 year old took shrapnel to the legs.  The baby was shaken but was being held at the time.  The main force of the blast was 18 inches off the ground… into the three year old.

That’s where I came in.  The Doc needed help and I was there.  I tried to hold the three year old down while he cut off the bandages.  He jerked his hand right as the doc snipped a bandage.  I wasn’t holding good enough.  He cut off the tip of the kids finger.  Blood spurted out and we controlled it.  I got a dirty look but the doc kept working.  The things they did were amazing.  I don’t know how some of the people lived but the docs did it.  The weather was bad that night.  We took shifts calling for help and running the bag for the kid.  No one could get help to us with the weather.  He was dead when he got there he just didn’t know it.  The shockwave blew the lining off his lungs and he was drowning slowly.  It took 18 hours for the kid to die.  I don’t know if a real hospital could have saved him.  I know we did our best though.

So what do I take from this?  I still can’t cut fingernails.  My kids have claws.  I just can’t cut them.  I don’t want to ever forget about this though.  This was bad.  This was chaotic WAR.  That is why I do what I do.  To try to stop that.  There will always be bad people in the world that need to be stopped.  Firing off indiscriminate shots in the darkness without regard for the consequences is what most military groups do.  When I tell people where to shoot, it’s at a “very bad man” not like the Soviets firing at a village and leaving problems for generations.  Until there is no war, someone has to put focus in the chaos to protect the innocent.  Not everyone is good at controlling chaos.  The people I work with are.  That’s what we do and that’s why I fight.  I remember that kid every day. 

 

And I give you…

God and the Devil were talking one day.  God said he made all “good” things.  The Devil said he could corrupt anything. 

God said, “True Love.”  The Devil said, “Jealousy.”

God said, “Chocolate.”  The Devil said “High cholesterol.”

God said, “Sunny days.”  The Devil said “Melanoma.”

They went on and on for hours…

Finally God said, “Truth!” thinking that incorruptible. 

The Devil just smiled and said, “I give you Religion.”

The greatest armor of all is strength of spirit.

Reacting to trauma

It may not be the first thing, it may not be the last thing, but it always happens when someone is confronted with a traumatic situation.  Attribute the problem.  Something bad happened and the mind has to understand the why.  How this is attributed, the why it happened, makes a huge difference in the recovery of the individual and the assimilation of the trauma. 

1. The problem happened because of me. – I screwed up.  It’s all my fault and I let everyone else down.  Sometimes useful in changing destructive behavior.  Sometimes it IS YOUR FAULT; sometimes it’s not.  Often difficult for a person to determine the difference alone.  Very bad in cases of rape or incest. 
2. The world is different from what I was told. – There is no Santa Claus; people lied to me about how bad the world is.  I can’t believe I’ve been this stupid.  Sometimes a good thing if the person lived a sheltered life.  Then again why destroy innocence if it can be protected.
3. The world changed. – This can be a short or permanent change.  Earthquake destroys a city.  War.  Famine.  These are things that a lot of people see but experience differently.  Yugoslavia went from hosting the Olympics to chaos in a few years.  It can also take place on a more private level.  Being fired from a job or having a loved one die.  Your world is different.  You knew it could happen, you just never thought it would.  Not for real at least.
4. It’s someone else’s fault. – Finding someone to bring to justice for a wrong could be good or they could be a scapegoat.  Determining if it is someone’s fault in a moment of anger is usually a bad thing.  Attributing blame is easy to do but difficult to live with.  There is a fine line between focusing to right a wrong and revenge.

How a person attributes the many small to large traumas in their lives changes their phenotype of the soul.  Their core self is still the same.  I don’t think it is possible to change that.  Sometimes the trauma helps to uncover the self, sometimes the reaction causes them to build walls for protection.  When something bad happens around you, don’t just look at the problem.  Look at the way you react to the problem.  If you can see why you are reacting in a certain way, the problem can better be integrated into your “self”.  Until that integration takes place, the problem will just hover like a fog around you causing chaos in your life.  Once you attribute a problem you can start moving again.  You don’t ever really forget, just keep moving as a person.